tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4933637578314436528.post4572644406991966246..comments2023-08-02T08:49:30.498-05:00Comments on Can't Spell, DVM: ChildrenCan'tSpell, DVMhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04442940435326645871noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4933637578314436528.post-50431110040044570162011-10-18T08:24:46.112-05:002011-10-18T08:24:46.112-05:00Oh, dear. I'm sorry about your mother. Now f...Oh, dear. I'm sorry about your mother. Now for some thoughts from one who has been there.<br /><br />We (I, my sister, my parents, assorted relatives, and hired aides) cared for my grandmother in her home until we could no longer keep her at home. Our definition of "can't handle this"? My grandmother became incontinent, at which point she entered a nursing home, which was horrible. We had no choice. My grandmother died of Alzheimer's about 10 years after we first noticed she had a problem (her longtime physicians and attorney were useless). She lived alone, and though she lived nearby and we visited often, she was very skillful at concealing her memory loss and we suspect it started at least 3-5 years before we became suspicious. We figured that out when we began to review her financial records and repair the disaster we found, though she'd always been meticulously organized. We were fortunate in that my grandmother never became abusive, nor was she prone to wandering, but we dealt with other issues: stove gas shutoff (she was oxygen-dependent); encouraging her to eat appropriately (nutritious, regular meals, no spoiled/expired food, etc.); serious termite infestation; letting her lifelong-indoor cat out in subzero weather; hiding the car keys, then removing the distributor caps to all of the cars (where was she finding spare keys?); arguing she could not wear stained clothing for days; power loss followed by waking up at 2AM and insisting it was 6AM "time to get up"; agitation when she watched the wrong channel on TV (we had to pull the plug for the week after 9/11). I could go on and on and on.<br /><br />Yes, my family did the bulk of the caregiving, but after a certain point we had to hire caregivers to ensure she'd eat, sleep and generally stay safe during the few hours all of us were away. We probably went through half a dozen over the years, but they, unlike us, had no problem making sure my grandmother showered, were willing to pop a prepared casserole in the oven and feed my grandmother dinner before we arrived home, and encouraged my grandmother to play cards, puzzles, supervised baking cookies, etc. At minimum, the aides kept her safe and made sure she didn't detach her oxygen or attempt to go for a walk in the woods - uncommon for her, but we lived in the middle of a state forest with multiple bodies of water, and the consequences of even one unaccompanied stroll could have been deadly. They also prevented her from becoming agitated and calling the police, who knew us well.<br /><br />Assisted living is an idea to investigate now. Collect the information and put it away until you and your mom are ready. If this is Alzheimer's, your mom may come to a point where she doesn't mind the idea, because of the personality changes associated with the disease. Collect information on respite and meals on wheels as well, because there will be days when you can't do everything. The local senior center may offer resources or volunteer programs, and that may be a way to bring it up with your mom that isn't insulting (e.g. "hey, mom, they're offering a music appreciation class, and I know you've always enjoyed the symphony").<br /><br />In our situation, it took 3 live-in adult family members, more family in the area, and a series of caregivers to manage my grandmother, and it still wasn't pretty some days. I cannot imagine doing it alone, not because I didn't love my grandmother (I miss her every day) but because in retrospect I know it would have been impossible.<br /><br />I read "The Last Childhood: A Family Story of Alzheimer's" and really connected with what the author, Carrie Knowles, had to say. I think it's out of print, but Amazon or your library may have copies.<br /><br />Hang in there, and remember: it's not selfish to take care of your needs. As they say on airplanes, apply your own oxygen mask first...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4933637578314436528.post-45548049216205835432011-10-18T06:39:08.317-05:002011-10-18T06:39:08.317-05:00Sorry things are so tough. Re. the horses - could...Sorry things are so tough. Re. the horses - could you find one to ride without owning it? Sometimes people will share board or something - a lot less cost and responsibility. Just a thought. Hope things smooth out for you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com