Instructional Essay

Per request, I am posting one of my undergrad essays that I mentioned previously. It took me a little time to find it because I've packed and moved so much I don't know where half my junk is anymore.

Sadly, in reading this and many of the other essays, I'm convinced that I had it more together and was a wiser person back then. Maybe I'm digressing with age. That is frightening; if I'm that bad already, where will I be in 20-30 years - yikes!! In any case, hope y'all enjoy the following piece; I still like it as much as I did when I first wrote it. Did I ever use any of the tactics described? I'll let y'all wonder about that one with the hint that my brother and I were very close and just consider what kind of mind thought up the essay...

Keeping Momma Single

Children often have more wisdom and judgment in dealing with people than adults; especially their single mom, who has the latest marketable goods (men) constantly thrust under her nose by “Sister Helpful,” and her crew of well-meaning family and friends. Because mom is lonely, probably does need help, and often feels frustrated and deserted, she tends to be susceptible to these men, and fails to use proper judgment. Often, her protective children must step in, judge the merchandise as suitable or not, and take the appropriate steps to help or hinder the relationship. Since “Sister Helpful” and crew are usually not exceptionally careful about whom they choose (any single male is considered suitable), it frequently falls to the children to rescue mom from uncomfortable situations.

A weak-kneed individual is usually easily dissuaded by a couple of bright, innocent children. A simple finger up the nose is frequently sufficient, but, if a little extra persuasion is necessary, ingesting the available “boogers” adds a more convincing note to the situation. This is the first step towards eliminating the latest unacceptable selection from pursuit of mom.

The second step, simple rudeness, is easily carried out as well. By refusing to carry on polite conversation, ignoring all attempts to “be friends,” and loudly interrupting each time he and mom attempt to converse, a child can often halt a disastrous romance in its tracks. Yelling and screaming like a banshee or wild Indian while mom is on the telephone also tends to be effective and quickly extinguishes the spark he is trying to kindle.

For the more stubborn suitor, firmer methods must be pursued. The “Clinging Child Routine” is probably the most effective in removing the unwanted male figure. By causing all appendages to act as velcro, clinging to mom’s leg, a child cannot be removed, even if force is exerted. This should be employed anytime it is suggested that mom spend time alone with the latest goods, or, it can be used as a constant. The suitor will find it difficult to spend “quality time” with mom when at least one child is constantly attached to her. For dramatic effect, a few tears and screams or sobs can be added, thereby doubling the effectiveness.

Eavesdropping on plans is highly recommended, since it allows advance planning and a more concerted team effort to be invoked. This is especially essential to the fourth and final stage of the sabotage, because needed props must be correctly placed, and memory must be refreshed on specific lines. The few brave souls who reach this point quickly realized that no one wants to harbor a dangerously insane child in their home. By simply talking to oneself constantly and allowing pertinent pieces of conversation to be overheard, the stage can be set for the final blow. At the table, the largest butcher knife should be placed readily at hand. It should then be picked up, fondled and stroked lovingly, while phrases from Shakespeare (Hamlet and Macbeth offer particularly suitable soliloquies) are employed in a barely audible tone. With practice, a glazed appearance of the eyes can be assumed at will and an evil, cunning smile should be rehearsed. A conversation based on methods of murder, particularly poisons, and undetectable crime, will soon cause reconsideration on the part of the guest of honor.

This infallible process should be used with care and responsibility, only against unsuitable suitors. The exception, “Mr. Right,” should not be made a victim, but encouraged for the sake of mom. By carefully following each step, any child of a single mom can protect her from “Sister Helpful’s” dire plot, and see her safely through her years of being alone.