Saturday, March 2, 2013

Name Change

I think I will change my moniker from May B. Insane (no longer any question) to Dr. Pissywitch since that seems to be my frame of mind.  I'm so very frustrated, yet again.  I suppose you could argue that one should not expect satisfaction in life to be wound up so much within job satisfaction (get a life, right?) but when one spends so much time involved with the job it becomes increasingly difficult to make those lines not blur thus dissatisfaction at work equates more and more with generalized dissatisfaction.  Perhaps part of it is that I take my work home with me far too much between my own kids, worrying / thinking about cases, and not trusting the other folks at work to do things right; but much of the reason I did this insane career is that I couldn't find anyone to trust to take care of my kids right!  If that were not a factor, I'd likely put my loan in forbearance and go back to school to do something more profitable about which I care much less...  

It makes me wonder if the problem is me rather than the jobs and other people.  Think about it, I've been in four different jobs, five if you consider the preceptor, and have been pretty much totally unhappy with all of them.  Some of the reasons are recurring, others a little different.  Maybe I want too much???  I certainly don't understand why someone would start a job and not do it right.  It amazes me that there are vets who keep doing this for decades.  Are they happy or is it simply that they feel trapped by time and are unwilling to consider change due to finances or inertia or whatnot?  Those considerations as well as what I would do about taking care of mine are certainly giving me pause before jumping...I guess we will have to wait and see if I jump or not.  Being Pissywitch might help because I don't think indecision will reign in that mood but a certain reckless disdain may.  Rebellion is definitely the order of the day but the darker, depressive part of my nature is also strong at the moment and it may hold back reckless rebellion that has led me into impulsive decisions in the past.  

There are very few of my classmates with whom I've spoken who are actually happy.  So what makes the difference?  Is it something about us as a different generation or is it just certain individuals who will never be satisfied? I can look at some older vets who seem satisfied yet show the same quest for excellence that I feel and I wonder if they are really happy.  I also see others who seem perfectly content with what, to me, is mediocrity.  Maybe I'm asking too much of me???  I expect perfection yet I know no human is perfect...  But shouldn't we strive for excellence / perfection as a goal to prevent becoming complacent?  I beat myself up when cases go bad, convinced I did something wrong or missed something yet I know that so often things are simply beyond human control...  But shouldn't I question my decisions to make sure I'm not in error and hopefully prevent a mistake?  That's what I mean by finding something more profitable about which I care much less to do with my life!  

Maybe those who seem content with mediocrity have a life i.e. children, social network, whatever that is not intertwined with their work hence their contentment.  The problem with that for me is that the animals are family therefore it becomes impossible to separate.  

Sadly, the argumentative content you have just witnessed is pretty much constant inside my little head.  Maybe May B. Insane and Pissywitch are just two of my multiple personalities;)