Everyone has things about themselves that they don't like. I have always admired hands and eyes. When I notice a guy, the first two things I notice are his hands and eyes then his sense of humor or lack thereof. The hands and eyes are not necessarily deal breakers but the sense of humor definitely is... Maybe my obsession is partially due to the fact that my mother has beautiful eyes and hands and my brother had wonderful hands as well. Dunno. Point is, I notice.
Tonight, we were watching an old favorite movie and I found myself captivated by the lovely hands of the female leading lady. Then I thought about my own hands. I really hate my hands. They are just not pretty at all. I have chubby hands with short, fat little fingers and, even when I was not overweight as I am now, they were still that way. I'm not particularly fond of jewelry but, even if I were, I wouldn't wear rings because they just accentuate how chubby my fingers are. In addition to that, my hands sweat a lot. I remember my friends in school always complaining when we had to join hands for prayer or something and they couldn't wait to let go and wipe their palm dry. It's also kind of embarrassing that I always leave a handprint if I lay my hand on any surface.
There are many other things I don't like about myself but I really wish I had pretty hands. I'm honest enough without meaning to be boastful to acknowledge that I have nice eyes but my hands - yuck!
I know, weird little interlude of commentary but I just realized again how obsessed I am with hands and eyes because of the movie.
In other news, when I was complaining about the childish behavior of my mother I neglected to mention the bids for attention. I really can't do anything while she is home without her immediately needing me. I reckon it's payback time for when I was a child. I must admit I do remember our trying to get her attention when we were little anytime she got on the phone or whatever. I also remember our behaving rather badly when my aunt introduced her to men in an attempt to fix her up with a new husband after my dad's death. To give credit where it is due, we didn't behave poorly when the man was nice, it was just the idiots that my aunt dug up from under some rock. In fact, I wrote a rather nice little piece (I'm actually quite proud of it) as an undergrad for my instructional essay assignment called "Keeping Momma Single" that explained in detail steps for children to follow to eliminate the poor inappropriate guys from their single mom's life.
Mom is not at the point where she can't be left alone yet but I do fully remember my grandmother's tendency to wander. I had to put a lock at the top of the door where she couldn't reach for anytime I was out of the room, i.e. to go to the bathroom or anything. Then my aunt got mad because she couldn't just walk in whenever she pleased. Fun times.
I'm strongly contemplating investing in another horse. I know it makes no sense whatsoever but I think I need to do something for my own sanity in an effort to protect what little I have left. I also need to do some more research on Alzheimer's for myself. I know a lot of what is out there regarding prevention or slowing the process but I'm very thorough when it comes to research. I'm about to start myself on a few supplements since my chances of developing the disease are pretty high given grandmother and mom and the tendency to be familial and attack females.
One of the biggest problems with the situation is me. As I mentioned before, I grew up in a manipulation by guilt situation dating back generations. Probably in part because of the early death of my dad as well as the serious health problems with which my brother was born, I am extremely hyper-responsible and probably take way too much on myself. This combination plus the fact that my family is either too old or too idiotic to help is going to make it hard for me to not try to take this world completely on my shoulders. At least I have recognized and given a name to the problem. That's the first step in defeating it.
I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow. I accomplished almost nothing today, on my day off, due to extreme exhaustion primarily prompted by stress. The boss's wife was supposed to be off Wednesday but was out sick on Tuesday therefore felt compelled to work Wednesday. She is the type of person that can take any situation and make it chaotic. To add to that, Wednesday was rather slow and we wound up with too many people there because of her. I typically schedule the kids such that we have two of them there on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday because Monday and Friday are pretty consistently busy and Wednesday I have the afternoon alone and the boss's wife is off. As it turned out, we were slammed Monday and Tuesday but had people out sick then were slow Wednesday with everyone bumping into each other and twiddling their thumbs. I guess I could have sent one of the kids home but that didn't seem very fair to me. Plus the boss decided he needed to work even though he usually takes the afternoon off. Probably some misplaced sense of guilt because his wife was there. It didn't help either that my appointment schedule for the afternoon was fairly full but my help kept telling me they knew how to do things then did not. Like centrifuging a blood sample. I told them 3 times to make sure it clotted first but they still didn't. Then they didn't know how to balance the machine although they said they did. I had to leave the room to stop the machine and give a lecture on balancing. I don't like being lied to in any way, shape, or form. For me, if you don't know how to do something, just say so and I'm more than happy to teach you!
And lastly, the Sunday of euthanasias was apparently just the beginning for the week. Not just for me this time either. Between the two of us, we've had minimally two per day. Here's hoping tomorrow is better and looking forward to the weekend off. Now if he tells me tomorrow he's going to be out of town after all and needs me to cover, I may shoot him! Just watch the news. "Veterinarian goes crazy and shoots boss and all employees over weekend duty. Details to follow."
3 days ago